I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize