After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
