I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
