Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You brought string cheese to the strip club
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
