Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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