masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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