he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
