wanna go halves on a baby?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
