My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
