you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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