I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
