I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
