My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.