Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
