the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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