I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
