It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
