Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
