Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
