After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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