So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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