You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
