Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
