She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
