i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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