Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
