ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
