His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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