Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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