i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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