I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
