It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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