Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
