Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
