if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
