can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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