everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
