you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bring money and cleavage
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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