There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
