I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
