My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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