piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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