my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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