Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
pray to the hookup gods
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You ruined the universe
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
