Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
