I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
