When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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