turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
