I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
