The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize