it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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