Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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