apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
