distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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