conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
