i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I want to be your penis for a week.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
