I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Randomize
