your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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