I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
