My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
