Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize