Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
