I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Alive.
So much puke
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
