And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
