she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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